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It hurts right here

Dec. 30th, 2009 06:12 pm Hello Lover!

Hello Livejournal! I haven't seen you in oh so long. almost 4 years to be exact. I might visit you from time to time.

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Feb. 17th, 2006 01:02 am

Yeah so I am drunk and don't know how this will go...

SO tonight was fucking great! I had a night like it used to be. Me and michelley poo just talking, bullshiting and having more fun than imaginable! There is a new game at the westside, it is a putting game, we suck but it was super fun. We talked about lives, compared stories...and then after a couple of tic tacs we went to trospers! Michelle cleared the air about some drama going on at the dirty bird, but fuck she is si goddamn diplomatic about it all. "I'm not okay, well I'm not okay I'm not o-fucking-kay!!!!!!' Sorry the romance gets the best of me sometimes!

So anyway I got to tell Michelle about Meg, which I haven't gotten to talk to many people about. It felt good to say that I was wrong...I have been wrong about many things...but for the first time in my life I feel really good about admitting the mistakes I have made. I want to say I am sorry and amend the best friendships I have had in my life. Not because I don't have anyone else, but because these were poeple that I connected with and love. People that I won't or haven't ever had to explain me to. People that just knew me, accepted me, loved me for being me! Not to say that I wasn't wrong...because I was...but just because for the first time I can stand up and say I am not perfect...and neither is anyone else.

Meg came over and had dinner last night. We watched Devil's Rejects... and when she picked it, it was like nothing had ever changed. But it had! Very confusing situation. We talked, and as I told Shelly tonight...it was that unexplainable banter. the very thing that ever connected us. Undeniable connection. We are just the same but very very very different. I can't explain how excited I am about her having a baby! She has crossed over into a more responsible part of life that I most likely will never experience. Fuck I am drunk and can't wuite explain...but I am just so happy.

I will though, for a second, go on a rant about how I think amandda is a terrible person. As I said last night...she is one of those people I will forever say to other people... Run if you ever see this person!

She is the broken person that forever healed me...she is the one that made me realize that 1) you can't fix broken people! and...2) broken people will break you down!!! Especially after the age of 25! So just don't bother!

I am really drunk...I have to stop...

Oh yeah, and, some guy came to my house today and asked to talk to my parents...I know I don't look that retarded....


Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay

Current Music: i'm not okay (I promise) - The romance

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Feb. 12th, 2006 10:40 am

Find Jesus HereCollapse )

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Feb. 11th, 2006 04:22 pm

YAY!!! I got my own computer desk. No more sitting on the floor to use my computer. The only down side is that I have been banished from geek central. SO no my puter is in the living room...there are ups and downs I suppose.

I have spent all day cleaning and re-arranging...not that you can tell because there is still shit everywhere, but aaron is still not home from work and it is really starting to bother me. All I want is for someone to say, thanks for doing so much work today before you had to go to work...

Work, here I come!

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Feb. 10th, 2006 09:39 am Early Ipod Session

I really despise coming home from work and having a bunch of lame ass computer geeks taking up my boyfriend and "my computer." I know that in actuallity these are both aarons computers, but I really was excited when he said that this one would be like my computer so I could play with my pictures and my Ipod. Really though it is Carlin's computer that I get to use early in the morning or when he just happens not to be here. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have been home for 2 days and Aaron and I have fought for 2 days.

I think what I feared has come true. Me being on my own for 30 days gave me that feeling on not relying on anyone else, and I like that. blah blah blah

I am still so angry about last night. All I want to do is put KISS on my ipod, but nope sorry you have to wait to use the shit in the house that you pay rent and elecricity for so there.

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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Feb. 8th, 2006 11:41 pm blah


By the way I love that term!

I cannot believe that nick got kicked off of project runway...what an end to my really great really shitty day.

Lunch with Meg was incredible! It was nice just to talk and to listen. There was a point in my life where I wanted to rescue her from all the bad things she was encountering. But now I realize that her experiencing all of that made her find out who she is and where her place is in this world. I was really proud of her, and in the end I just had to keep telling myself "It's ok to cry...but don't cry!"

I am excited to see where life is taking me. I wish I could just figure it out. Maybe someone will send me a sign.

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed

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Feb. 8th, 2006 01:57 am Today

Today has been better than I ever could have imagined. Yeah it was fucked up...but the good things out weighed the bad 10 to 1. I talked to the love of my life...and hopefully I will get to see her sooner than I had hoped. I am a free woman. I feel more positive than I have in months...and I had a good ol fashion time with someone who I truly value tonight. "Broken People Detox Ash!" I know, more then anyone ever could...I KNOW!

Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Gamer Talk

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Feb. 6th, 2006 10:56 pm Theives

So a couple of weeks ago when I was leaving for work it looked like someone had been looking in the windows of my car. I told my dad about it...sure enough that night 12 cars in my neighborhood were broken into. Then last week our garage got broken into. Luckily my dad heard something and got up and chased the guy out of here. Then the cops came with the K-9 squad and took some finger prints and stuff. Now there is a suspicious truck just a little way up the road with no lights on. I was tempeted to walk out there are just be like hey what's up. But now my pa is going to check it out. I LOVE THE TENSION!!!

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Feb. 6th, 2006 10:02 pm crazy

It's funny how people are...
So the other night when I was having some drinks at the rock after work when a guy that I work with at the dirty bird came in. I smiled and then made a clearly sarcastic remark about how we don't let his kind in this establishment. Come on how could you even take that statement seriously. He glared at me and never said a word...so I turned around and enjoyed the rest of my evening. I told Aaron and Katrina that he had probably been wooed by the "Ashley gave my number to a drug dealer" side of things and I didn't really care. All of these people are going to relize what a manipulater ms. k is in the end anyway. Didn't give it another thought. But Michelle just told me that he said I was super rude to him and embarassed him in front of his "friends" and he cried (yeah, "what a weiner," crossed my mind too). He only had one friend with him though and I never saw any tears... I dunno about these crazy people from the dirty bird.

I saw Meg today when I was at Target. It was kinda awkaward, but refreshing that I could see her out and about and not feel like I needed to avoid the situation. Instead, we set up a lunch date on Wednesday. Meg was a huge part of my past and it's not as if I am trying to re-insert her into my life. But I need to accept the things I have done wrong in my life and move on. It's not like I can look anyone straight in the face now and say that losing her didn't hurt. It did, but at the time I was so out of control drunk and flailing my freedom that I didn't face reality. So this is me growing up. Maybe we will start over and maybe we won't, but at least I can have a clear conscience.

I am nervous about going to work tomorrow. I don't really know what is in store. I don't know if people know the truth yet. I would love to think that Ms. k found out that I didn't give her number to a drug dealer and went around broadcasting what a liar I am. But in doing that she would also have to tell people that she lied 329847 times worse then I did and it wouldn't make her look so good. There is a little part of me though that is so tickled pink about this whole fiasco that I want to run around telling the world about it. But that isn't very mature...so I guess I will just see what happens.

I am bored to tears. I really love how LJ acts as a little narrator of my life. I can just hear Daniel Stern now. *Ding* Someone told me that they have the Wonder Years on DVD...I should look for it. I LOOOOOOOVE the Wonder Years. I also love Laguna Beach, I wonder when the new season starts. OOOOOOOO the Ashley Parker show is on, gotta go.

Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen

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Feb. 6th, 2006 08:44 am It's Cleaning Day!

Suck. I don't really want to clean all day but I feel like it is my obligation. I know it hasn't been easy for my parents to have me here for 30 days. They have their little routines and schedules and I think I kinda get in the way of that sometimes. My mom said it best when she told my sister, "I think Ash has had all the family bonding she can take." 'Tis true mommy dearest. I mean I LOVE my family, but after a combo of not living at home for so long, having my own kick ass house, and having a crazy work schedule that can only be accomodated by me...well let's just say I am ready to get back to my life. Word to the wise...if you ever by chance get a DUI don't count on your lawyer to send papers to the proper buildings, don't assume that because the court has a record of something that means the probation dept has it too, and always check up on EVERYTHING!!!!

I just realized how much I have thrashed the computer room over the past couple of days of ipoding. There are cd's EVERYWHERE, scraps of paper, extra cd players that way I can see what songs are on certain cd's, phones, dirty dishes, work clothes...and anything needed to survive for 4 days in one room. Speaking of CD's though, it has been so much fun going through EVERY CD I have ever owned, borrowed, burnt etc. It brings back some really funny memories. I am also stoked because cds are so volitile. They scratch and break easily. I am pretty amazed that some of my burnt cd's still even exist. But now they will live on forever (or until technology changes again) on my ipod. It is also funny how going through this project makes me want to go out and buy 2398498 new or "replacment" cds for those that I have lost or have just been passed on to the unplayable cd's god.

It is a beautiful morning out. I wish I could go running.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Ipod Shuffle

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